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@jake_likes_naps

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

@INDlAN_

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

@fuzzlime

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

@realHamOnWry

If there’s a sock on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with the other one.

@thispartyislame

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

@muffathukka

“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”

– me whenever my wife sings while driving.

@Freudianscript

I’ll never be accused of talking behind someone’s back, because that would involve talking to people.

@MomoVonTrite

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

@Papa_Mex

I call McDonald’s to make a reservation for Valentine’s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone