*wakes up after all night party*
How did I get on this escalator?
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There are so many songs that tell us how to breathe. It’s like musicians and songwriters have never heard of the autonomic nervous system.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Before you send that mass “Merry Christmas!” text don’t.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”