Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
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Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB