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*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.


Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*


Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store


If there’s a sock on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with the other one.


Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.


“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”

– me whenever my wife sings while driving.


I’ll never be accused of talking behind someone’s back, because that would involve talking to people.


Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.


I call McDonald’s to make a reservation for Valentine’s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone