Him, referring to my Spanx: Don’t you want to take those off first?
Me: It took me 3 hrs to get these on. This is my skin now.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
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ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext
this guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I put on my pants just like the rest of you, once or twice a month because of an appointment.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
There’s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Even though my dad is a Trump supporter I let him borrow my car because I’m a good person. I mean, I’m going to report it stolen, but still.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Wife just instructed me on the best way to trim my beard.
So now I’m explaining to her the proper way to change a tampon.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time