@Brampersandon_

ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

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@perfect_messs

[during sex]
Him, referring to my Spanx: Don’t you want to take those off first?
Me: It took me 3 hrs to get these on. This is my skin now.

@gabsmashh

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

@Big_Cat74

I put on my pants just like the rest of you, once or twice a month because of an appointment.

@Lisabug74

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

@shkeeber

There’s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.

@CarolinaSong

I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.

@Sarcasticsapien

Even though my dad is a Trump supporter I let him borrow my car because I’m a good person. I mean, I’m going to report it stolen, but still.

@Brampersandon_

[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Wife just instructed me on the best way to trim my beard.
So now I’m explaining to her the proper way to change a tampon.

@ShortSleeveSuit

WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time