“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
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West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.
Her:”Let’s make a baby.”
Him: “Okay! Hold on.”
*goes to bathroom*
[5 minutes later.]
Her: “Where’d you go?”
Him: “You meant with you??”
Cat: we need a life
Cat: well Im dead and ur talkin to me so more you
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes in the bathroom.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
My wife just told me to go to hell, anyone else need anything from Walmart?