@QwertyJones3

Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.

Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.

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@longwall26

“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee

@ThatBrenna

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

@Playing_Dad

*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.

@DumbConfessions

Her:”Let’s make a baby.”

Him: “Okay! Hold on.”

*goes to bathroom*

[5 minutes later.]

Her: “Where’d you go?”

Him: “You meant with you??”

@JP_theAntiHero

Cat: who?
Me: what?
Cat: when?
Me: where?
Cat: how?
Me:
Cat: we need a life
Me: we
Cat: well Im dead and ur talkin to me so more you
Me:

@minealone6

Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes in the bathroom.

@Cpin42

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

@CantWaitToNap

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.

@tchrquotes

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

@TheTonyHowell

My wife just told me to go to hell, anyone else need anything from Walmart?