Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
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The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Thursday Thought.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
This is true.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates