Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
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[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water