@KalvinMacleod

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

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@LeBearGirdle

Me: hey famous actor Dwayne Johnson, why do they call you the rock?

*Dwayne runs fulls speed at a pond and skips like 15 times*

Me: OH MY

@BuckyIsotope

6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.

@causticbob

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

@PinkCamoTO

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

@NewDadNotes

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

@Laser_Cat

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.

@HALFniteStand

“The past tense of LOL is not LOL’d, it’s L’dOL.” – How I like to end a date with 18-25 year old girls.