Me: hey famous actor Dwayne Johnson, why do they call you the rock?
*Dwayne runs fulls speed at a pond and skips like 15 times*
Me: OH MY
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
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6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
“The past tense of LOL is not LOL’d, it’s L’dOL.” – How I like to end a date with 18-25 year old girls.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”