me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
You Might Also Like
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
To clean up or just move. This is the question.