Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
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I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
I cannot call her anything else now
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming