ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
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I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.