me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
You Might Also Like
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Any refunds available?…