Me: *empties 4’s maracas

4: *shakes maracas* They’re broken

Me: Oh no.. What happend?

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Forgot to open the door before applying hand lotion so now I’m stuck in my restroom forever.


I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”


the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus


There are rumours floating around that Canada’s Prime Minister isn’t a nice guy.

They’re not Trudeau.


i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.


My wife: ever since you got on twitter you never listen or talk to me any more.
Me: yeah spaghetti for sure!


I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam


WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again


[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.


The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.