@ThaJawn

Me: *empties 4’s maracas

4: *shakes maracas* They’re broken

Me: Oh no.. What happend?

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@TommyKarate

Forgot to open the door before applying hand lotion so now I’m stuck in my restroom forever.

@seamussaid

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

@lincnotfound

the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus

@LMHPhotog

There are rumours floating around that Canada’s Prime Minister isn’t a nice guy.

They’re not Trudeau.

@TakeForGrantd

i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.

@WeissBrandon

My wife: ever since you got on twitter you never listen or talk to me any more.
Me: yeah spaghetti for sure!

@spcycucumber

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

@rockymomax

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

@WritingWilkie

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.