When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
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there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
my first day as a raccoon
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
the answer was staring at me all along
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
My background check bounced.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.