Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
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To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?