How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
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* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Give a baker flours on your first date.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.