ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
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he chose this
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse