@ArfMeasures

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

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@HenpeckedHal

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

@Lisabug74

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

@Crunk_Jews

Apparently, you still fail a roadside sobriety test if you just lay down and take a nap.

@KyleMcDowell86

[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who

@sarcasticmommy4

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

@LuvPug

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.

@SmartassChef

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.