Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
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Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I’m going to need a moment here.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what