ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
You Might Also Like
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Breaking news:
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
The Others (2001)
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.