me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
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My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL