noah: two of every single species on earth
noah: and a boat to fit them all
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
noah: and all my friends are going to die
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
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Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
[day 1 of covid homeschooling]
me: alright, it says we have to do some-
8yo: *bursts into tears*
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
When you try to wash a spoon and it wash you back
I once listened to Heart at 3am smoking a cigarette with mascara running down my face.
Teacher: We usually choose a book for story time..
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Hate it when I try to make a snow angel and it turns out as a pentagram instead
The name “groundhog” suggests the presence of sea and skyhogs and I am not sure how I feel about that.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.