@_ElvishPresley_

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

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@jwilliamscomedy

noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean

@IndecisiveJones

[day 1 of covid homeschooling]

me: alright, it says we have to do some-

8yo: *bursts into tears*

@KyleMcDowell86

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

@AthenasOlive

I once listened to Heart at 3am smoking a cigarette with mascara running down my face.

Teacher: We usually choose a book for story time..

@thekwonk

It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.

@ThisLocalHater

Hate it when I try to make a snow angel and it turns out as a pentagram instead

@NoTheOtherJohn

The name “groundhog” suggests the presence of sea and skyhogs and I am not sure how I feel about that.

@BriarSlyMalice

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.