@_ElvishPresley_

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

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@NikkiGlaser

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

@MumInBits

3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it

@bobvulfov

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

@TheRolo

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

@jergarl

Me: IT’S TIME TO SETTLE DOWN FOR THE NIGHT

8yo:*starts playing accordion

M: Where did you even get that?

8:*making eye contact* No idea.

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.

@Book_Krazy

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

@Tommytoughstuff

[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”

@Tuna_Lover

I have found that a positive pregnancy test will cure hiccups.