@jwilliamscomedy
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
@SentenceReduced
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
@IndecisiveJones
[day 1 of covid homeschooling]
me: alright, it says we have to do some-
8yo: *bursts into tears*
@KyleMcDowell86
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
@trustinvo
When you try to wash a spoon and it wash you back
@AthenasOlive
I once listened to Heart at 3am smoking a cigarette with mascara running down my face.
Teacher: We usually choose a book for story time..
@thekwonk
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
@ThisLocalHater
Hate it when I try to make a snow angel and it turns out as a pentagram instead
@NoTheOtherJohn
The name “groundhog” suggests the presence of sea and skyhogs and I am not sure how I feel about that.
@BriarSlyMalice
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
@_ElvishPresley_