Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
You Might Also Like
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.