Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
You Might Also Like
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense