Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
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As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.