Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
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I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
This raises questions
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*