Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
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I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
This headline is a thing of beauty
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for