Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
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I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere