ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
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its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]