
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Jehovah Witnesses are excited because now they Know y’all are gonna be home when they come knocking on the door.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Omg I’m so thirsty-
*Kool-Aid Man busts through wall* OH YEAHH
*Sugar-free zero calorie Kool-Aid Man jiggles door handle* LITTLE HELP HERE
“Emma Stone” ~ Italian man telling you he’s high
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job