Achieve the “smokey eye” look by setting your head on fire.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
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If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
A recent study shows 50% of people think that people who can’t spell are idiots .. The other 50% said “that’s ridiclious!”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I poured us a bubble bath.
Him: *sigh* is it Sprite again?
*sipping seductively from tub with a krazy straw*: Just get in.
“Two long necks please”
Giraffe in the back: Wow. Did he just-
Giraffe’s wife: Cliff, he didn’t mean anything by it please sit down
-This is my son Michelangelo.
-Oh, like the artist.
-Um no like the Ninja Turtle.