ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!

ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm

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If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.


COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer


Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.


A recent study shows 50% of people think that people who can’t spell are idiots .. The other 50% said “that’s ridiclious!”


COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang


[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper


[Date Night]

I poured us a bubble bath.

Him: *sigh* is it Sprite again?

*sipping seductively from tub with a krazy straw*: Just get in.


“Two long necks please”

Giraffe in the back: Wow. Did he just-

Giraffe’s wife: Cliff, he didn’t mean anything by it please sit down


-This is my son Michelangelo.
-Oh, like the artist.
-Um no like the Ninja Turtle.