Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
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“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…