@freypalm

Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.

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@erica_rosie

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

@tigersgoroooar

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.

@ianpauldukes

ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.

@danblackroyd

Little Caesars: It’s hot and it’s ready.

Me: Is it good?

Little Caesars: It’s HOT. And it’s READY.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

@ErrenMichaels

[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.

@HatfieldAnne

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

@scottthetwat

My grandma sent the entire newspaper to me in the subject line of an email.