Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.

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One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.


Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!


Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—

*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*

Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.


ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.


Little Caesars: It’s hot and it’s ready.

Me: Is it good?

Little Caesars: It’s HOT. And it’s READY.


Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.


[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.


You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.


My grandma sent the entire newspaper to me in the subject line of an email.