ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
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the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.