Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
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Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
awkward
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Probably my best painting.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Your honor these allegations are
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”