Me: Excited for the dance?

13yo: No, because you and mom will be there.

Me: But I’ve been workin on my twerkin!

13yo: I need new parents.

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Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.


Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.


To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names


9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
Me: …with the…
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9: cool
Me: cool


People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.


Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.


Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.


You’d think Goldilocks would have been all like, “Damn, it smells like bears in here. Is that a family portrait of bears?! I should leave.”


Writing a movie about a secret agent alcoholic shrimp. I call it Beers Prawnson.