If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
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How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
they finally got him. they got macavity
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
*puts words between two asterisks*
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie