@TheMichaelRock

Me: Excited for the dance?

13yo: No, because you and mom will be there.

Me: But I’ve been workin on my twerkin!

13yo: I need new parents.

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@WritePlay

Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.

@TVsCarlKinsella

ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.

@WildeThingy

[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.

@U_Want_Shum_M8

*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them

@TheToddWilliams

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

@robdelaney

The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.

@IamEnidColeslaw

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

@iamspacegirl

Dog *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.

Cat *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me *wincing*: thank you
Cat: damn right thank you

@joegoats

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.