@TheMichaelRock

Me: Excited for the dance?

13yo: No, because you and mom will be there.

Me: But I’ve been workin on my twerkin!

13yo: I need new parents.

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@KamanCider

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

@karanbirtinna

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

@electrolemon

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

@MumInBits

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

@kimtopher22

People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.

@Test_of_Steron

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

@IamJackBoot

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

@RorynotRoy

You’d think Goldilocks would have been all like, “Damn, it smells like bears in here. Is that a family portrait of bears?! I should leave.”

@ozzyunc

Writing a movie about a secret agent alcoholic shrimp. I call it Beers Prawnson.