I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
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When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
We need to put an American base on the sun
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead