Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
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If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
#growingpains
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*