Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
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[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Meme Monday.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.