Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
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me hitting on a model
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”