Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
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[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
did it work
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”