me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
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I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.