me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
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Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”