me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
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Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
What the dentist sees
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
his wife is probably gonna see that
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK