Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
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Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas