Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

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Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.


Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.


I would totally surf a tsunami. If I didn’t get nauseous on water. And if tsunamis weren’t dangerous. And I knew how to surf.


I woke up in the middle of the night to jot down this million dollar idea


Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.


My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.


I hate when I shape my hand like a phone to tell someone to call me, but they’re in their 20s and don’t know what phones used to look like.


The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.


*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*