@Gupton68

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

You Might Also Like

@VerbsRProudest

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

@Darlainky

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

@AGreaterMonster

I would totally surf a tsunami. If I didn’t get nauseous on water. And if tsunamis weren’t dangerous. And I knew how to surf.

@InternetHippo

I woke up in the middle of the night to jot down this million dollar idea

@pan_duh

Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.

@beefman138

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

@TheDailySchmuck

I hate when I shape my hand like a phone to tell someone to call me, but they’re in their 20s and don’t know what phones used to look like.

@JohnLyonTweets

The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.

@truegritrumble

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*