Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
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Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I would totally surf a tsunami. If I didn’t get nauseous on water. And if tsunamis weren’t dangerous. And I knew how to surf.
I woke up in the middle of the night to jot down this million dollar idea
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
I hate when I shape my hand like a phone to tell someone to call me, but they’re in their 20s and don’t know what phones used to look like.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*