Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
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[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius