Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: Or you’ll what?
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Me: *wearing a crystal chandelier*
Store Assistant: can i help you sir?
Me: how much for this disco poncho?
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Just heard that flies spread disease.
I always keep mine zipped.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
I worry that people who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” may have missed a Science class or two.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please