Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?

Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.

Me: …

Employee: …

Me: Or you’ll what?

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Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.


Me: *wearing a crystal chandelier*

Store Assistant: can i help you sir?

Me: how much for this disco poncho?


me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is


[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane


Just heard that flies spread disease.

I always keep mine zipped.


I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help


In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.


People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.


I worry that people who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” may have missed a Science class or two.


me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please