Jurassic park gets weird
Me: Excuse me
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
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If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
creating an app called Friends With Pools. It’s exactly what you think it is.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Girlfriend kept nagging at me to put the toilet seat down. So here I am, crying in the middle of a field, with the seat & a shotgun.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
Me: would that make you happy?
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.