@Gupton68

Me: Excuse me

Waiter: Yes?

M: The wine’s corked

W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed

M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager

*gets struck by lightning

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@Lexactly

Dentistry is the perfect profession for people who like to talk but don’t want a response

@UnFitz

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

@BriarSlyMadness

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

@ArfMeasures

DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M

ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters

@TrelawnySara

creating an app called Friends With Pools. It’s exactly what you think it is.

@HatfieldAnne

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

@Qckhd

Girlfriend kept nagging at me to put the toilet seat down. So here I am, crying in the middle of a field, with the seat & a shotgun.

@thatdutchperson

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

@AmishPornStar1

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.