ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
You Might Also Like
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
sry
Hitlers gonna hitl
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS