alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
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U.S. DEPT OF FORESTRY: Sir, we believe you’re hunting illegally
GUY IN ALL CAMO W/ ORANGE HAT: *takes off hat*
USDOF: Dammit we lost him
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Autocorrect changed “meeting” to “mating” and now my boss and I aren’t meeting with Bob after work.
My cat is rubbing herself all over me because she wants me to stroke her.
It’s like she’s a drunk version of me.
[At historic site]
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.