ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
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I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
CRYING
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.