ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
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I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
marvel comics have peaked
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*