ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
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Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
pls suprot
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Why I divorced her.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.