ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
You Might Also Like
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
How do you milk an almond?
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at