If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
You Might Also Like
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.