Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
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me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Yup.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.