Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
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Sex on the beach means sand everywhere. You just do not want extreme exfoliation in some areas.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
I was left alone for 3 hours and I almost cut my hand off trying to open a banana.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
I love snow
– People who never shovel
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Legally, if a woman is wearing hoop earrings that are as big as the side of her face, you are allowed to hurl a basketball at her head.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!