@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

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@SardonicTart

Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.

@samfromks

I was left alone for 3 hours and I almost cut my hand off trying to open a banana.

@better_off_dad

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@Brampersandon_

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ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
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ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

@Mikecanrant

Legally, if a woman is wearing hoop earrings that are as big as the side of her face, you are allowed to hurl a basketball at her head.

@Lance_Said_This

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

@batkaren

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!