Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
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Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
“I FIXED IT!”
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery