ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
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Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Good news
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
That’s amazing.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.